She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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