I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My vagina is officially offended.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize