dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
