I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
