Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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