The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
