I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
