wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
