Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
