I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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