Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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