she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
