i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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