Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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