Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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