Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
All the doctor said was why
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
