Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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