I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
