I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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