So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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