her vagina looked like bernie madoff
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
