I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
