pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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