nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
