If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
