Yo dont text me then not text me
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
