By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
