So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
