sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Randomize
