Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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