Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Randomize
