I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
As shirtless as possible
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
