either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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