Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
