lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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