I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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