Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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