there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
