Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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