Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
