i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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