im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
