and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
