wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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