If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I enjoy the company of your penis
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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