jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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