He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
