he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
