I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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