the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
