I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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