Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
