He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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