Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
