theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
