Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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