Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Randomize
