found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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