I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
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