community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
