Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
