Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
