If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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